Suzy Q Homemaker

We didn’t nickname him “The Imp” for nothing.  In fact, the mischief began before Simon was conceived.  To avoid the unseemly side effects of hormonal medications, and among various other personal reasons, we choose Natural Family Planning.  If you aren’t familiar with it, look it up.  I was charting diligently back then but my thermometer went missing.  I ended up finding it lodged between the bed rail and the box spring mattress of our bed.  We had a great laugh about “The Imp” in our house hiding it until it turned out that Imp somehow found his way into my uterus.

Yes–I know “what causes it.”

And yes–WE LIKE IT.

The irony of this whole thing is that once I found out I was pregnant things stopped going missing in our house.  That had been a big problem, too.  I had a journal go missing that never has been found.  I looked for it for months and one day found the bookmark I used in it stuffed into the back of a kitchen drawer.  Weird things like that.

Anyway, fast forward to the birth of Simon which was a quick pitocin-induced but otherwise normal hospital birth (no epidural or any other form of pain management except my Bradley techniques).  Our nurse was new to “natural births” and freaked out when I started pushing.  In case you have no idea what it’s like to feel the urge to push, try to imagine that you have to take a really huge poop and can’t control it.  The poor nurse lady tried to tell me to stop pushing because my doctor wasn’t there yet, but she had no idea that my body had taken control at that point and there was no way my uterus or Simon was going to wait until it was convenient for anyone else.  Simon birthed himself right onto the hospital bed and my doctor sauntered in ten minutes later.

When we had his pictures taken at the hospital, we knew we were in for it:

Does that look like the picture of innocence?

It’s been a wild ride ever since.

I’ve heard it from I don’t know how many people now that I’m a “strong woman” who gave birth without drugs so this recovery should be a piece of cake.  While it is true I can push a human out of my vagina after enduring intense labor, all without the use of nerve-blocking  agents and narcotics, ankle surgery is hardly comparable.  Labor pain goes away once the baby comes out.  My surgeon drilled holes in my bones.  There’s a pretty big difference.

I begrudgingly stepped away from a labor conversation recently.  If I hadn’t, I know I would have put my beliefs on the table and risked a friendship.  I can’t do that.  What I assumed is that everyone who knows me knows how much I cannot stand to hear about women looking forward to getting drugs during their labor like they’re looking forward to candy on Halloween.  Debating this subject is getting old for me so I usually avoid it altogether. It just happened that I was complaining about my foot and got teased for it because I was supposed to be this superwoman who doesn’t need drugs to help me bring a baby into the world.  It was teasing, I know, but it bothered me the more I thought about it.

My birthing advice is almost always unsolicited but I can’t help it when people say things like “omg gimme the drugs”.  To each their own, I suppose.

And that’s really all I have to say about that.  I’m against using pain meds during labor.  The end.

I was asked by a friend to flesh out some things on natural childbirth.  She’s currently pregnant with her second baby and is seriously considering it, which I am so stoked about!  The thing is, I’m not sure where to begin.  There are books and articles galore on this subject, so I thought I’d write a little article of my own on how to effectively prepare yourself for a natural childbirth.

When I was pregnant with Corey nine years ago (!), a friend of Jamie’s told us about a birthing method called The Bradley Method of Childbirth.  We were already considering a drug-free birth, but this gave us a focus to our studies.  At the time, we couldn’t afford any classes, so we did our best to follow the practices outlined in the book we bought.  When it came time for the actual birth, we were fairly confident of our goals and we had a clearly defined birth plan.  At the hospital, the staff was far from supportive.  Because I was going drug-free, I was LOUD.  The nurses seriously told me to be quiet because I was disturbing the other patients.  An anesthesiologist was then sent in to persuade me to get the epidural, to which I consented.  The epidural gave me the shakes, slowed my labor, and made it incredibly difficult to push.  I considered myself lucky not to have had a c-section.

My next three births were: 1) Bradley Birth at the hospital, 2) Piticin-induced, pain med-free hospital birth, and 3) home birth.  From all of these experiences, I learned that there are three things a woman should have in order to have a natural chilbirth:

1. Education
2. Support
3. Committment

There are numerous books on the subject of birth.  There are also several methods of childbirth.  My first advice is to read.  Read as much as you can about all the different birthing methods.  Most likely your local La Leche League group has a lending library with birthing books of all types.  If you can afford it, take birthing classes specific to the birthing method you have chosen.  We took Bradley classes during our second pregnancy and it made all the difference in the world.  Not only will you learn what to do during a “normal” labor, you’ll learn about what to do when there are problems.

I went to the hospital in very early labor with Aiden (my second).  After being there for almost 24 hours, my labor stalled.  I had reached what is referred to as the “natural alignment plateau”.  It doesn’t happen to everyone, but when it does happen, hospital staff gets antsy and they could start threatening you with words like “pitocin” and tell you that your baby “needs” to come out.  The thing was, I hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink in an entire day.  My body was shutting down.  We called our Bradley teacher to ask what we should do and she came to the rescue with a Lunabar and a bottle of juice.  I ate a little, sipped some juice, and you know what?  My labor picked up and Aiden was born within the next couple of hours.

This leads me to the issue of support.  A woman who wants to have a natural birth needs to surround herself with a circle of family members and friends who will support her decision.  As we learned with our first birth, it isn’t enough to have a birth plan if the hospital staff won’t honor it.  No, we needed a team to stand up for our decisions.  Even during pregnancy, you should try to associate with people of the same mindset.  It isn’t helpful to have family members and friends who do nothing but criticize or make jokes about your decision.   I can’t tell you the number of times we heard comments like, “Oh, when I went in, I was all GIMME THE DRUGS,” and then this cackling laughter like getting a needle in your back is this thing that every woman who is NOT CRAZY needs to get.  Personally, I can’t commiserate with women who talk about their labors like that.  I find myself pursing my lips and shifting uncomfortably in my seat when discussions get started.  During a conversation with some women at church not too long ago, I had to leave the room.

In addition to having a supportive birth team, try to have a supportive hospital team, too.  If your doctor is all for having a natural childbirth, make sure you are very clear with him or her about what you really want during your labor and delivery.  Even small things like what positions you want to use during the pushing stage are very important.  With Aiden’s birth, I was on my side when he started crowning.  While the nurses were yelling at me to “stop pushing” until the doctor came in, my labor team was whispering to me to do what my body was telling me to do.  And when the doctor came in, he had the gall to tell me to roll onto my back because HE was more comfortable with me in that position.  Had someone not been holding my leg, I would have kicked him in his smug little face.  Less than thirty seconds later, Aiden’s head came out.  The universe did not collapse upon itself because I pushed a baby out of my vagina in a position that my doctor wasn’t “comfortable with”.

Even nurses need to support your decisions.  My best nursing support was with Simon’s birth, which was induced by pitocin.  I still didn’t want pain medication, and my nurse was amazing.  She put a sign on my door telling everyone who came in not to even mention drugs.  She allowed me to get up and move around, and even joined in the coaching when I really didn’t think I could do it anymore.  Her only fault was telling me to stop pushing when my body decided that it was time.  No one told her that natural births can go really fast!  Simon came out on the bed and my doctor missed the birth entirely.

Because of all of my negative hospital experiences and fast pushing stages, it only made sense for me to have a home birth with Timothy.  I’m not saying that to ensure a natural birth, you should do it at home.  It was just what ultimately worked best for me.

Lastly, if you want a natural birth, you need to commit.  Take all of the education and support you’ve gathered and really commit to having the birth that YOU want.  Have no doubt in your mind.  Push away any thought that you might want an epidural.  Don’t dwell on the what-if’s.  If you want a natural birth, I mean really want it, you can do it.  Doctors and nurses are not God.  You can tell them, “No.”  It is your body and your decision.  Do what you feel is best for you and your baby.  Because really, that’s what it’s all about.

x-posted on Blogher

My sister said it best in her interview with the Sundance Channel for her green wedding:

“A lot of people like to pick on the little things that you couldn’t do instead of looking at all the things that you could do. Because you can’t do everything; and just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something.”

What I couldn’t do:

Give birth at home. We couldn’t afford to pay out-of-pocket for a doula, midwife, and all the supplies that one needs for a safe homebirth. Had we been able to afford it, I would have been all for it.

What I could do:

Have as intervention-free births as I saw possible. I won’t go into my birth stories, but all my children were born vaginally: one epidural, one Bradley, one induced Bradley.

The homebirth/hospital birth debate is exhausting, to say the least. And I had set out to write this long blog post about it. I’ll keep it simple today, though.

Here’s what any mother could do:

1. Read. Educate yourself before you even decide to get pregnant. Know your rights as a birthing mother and make an informed decision. And I’m not talking about picking up a magazine in the doctor’s office or skimming the google search page after typing in “childbirth.” I mean REALLY READ. Get some books from the library, borrow some from a friend, and check out some websites that aren’t designed to scare women into scheduling their c-sections.

2. Don’t get caught up in statistics. While informative, they are often used as scare tactics and are a poor means of defending any point.

3. Ask questions. Doctors are humans and can sometimes be wrong! If you don’t feel like you understand why they are performing a certain procedure on you, ask. And check out your doctor’s c-section rate. Ask him or her about their stand on performing c-sections.

I want to hear about happy births right now. My mind is racing and I’m grateful for my husband who has to listen to me bitch about stuff I read on the internet!

First, let me say that I have had three very different birthing experiences, and thankfully, none of them ended with c-sections. Nonetheless, I have had one incredibly medicalized birth, complete with epidural and ruptured membranes; one long, exhausting Bradley birth; and one pitocin-induced birth that was still successfully intervention-free (as much as it could be). I don’t advocate inducing labor by any means and I probably didn’t need inducing in retrospect, but I did and I am extremely lucky to have been induced and still deliver without any complications.

I had an induction because I was ridden with PUPPPs, which is an extremely uncomfortable rash that had me scratching in my sleep until I bled. Nothing would help, and I tried everything from lotions and creams to steroids. I could have done more research on relieving the rash, but I was already past my due date and ready to be done with the itching. I knew the risks of induction and took several steps to ensure my needs would be met during the induced labor. Thankfully, my nurse was supportive of Bradley births and also helped advocate by putting a sign on my door to tell all the staff that they were not to mention pain meds if they were to come in my room. I may be one of only a few women who successfully gave birth without pain meds even after being induced with pitocin; I am a very lucky woman.

There are other women, though, who induce because they are tired of being pregnant or because it’s more “convenient” for the rest of their family if they give birth on a certain day of the week; their OB may be out of town for a weekend and want to induce before they leave, or if they fear the baby is getting “too big,” they’ll induce so it won’t get stuck.

The sad thing is that women see these excuses to induce as logical, when in my opinion they are selfish and dangerous. I don’t understand why in this society of supposedly well-educated peoples, women don’t take the time to learn about one of the most important events they will ever experience in their lifetime. Do women really not understand that it is NOT normal to cut a baby out of an abdomen? Do they understand that you do not need to learn how to give birth, that it’s a natural bodily process that will occur on its own schedule?

Take, for example, my sister-in-law. She gave “birth” last week to her first baby after a failed induction. I am not clear on all of the details, but from what I understand, she was given pitocin for 14 hours, then taken off the pitocin, given a cervical ripener, then put back on the pitocin, and they ruptured her membranes at 4 cm. Not surprisingly, the baby was not descending and her cervix wasn’t cooperating, so it all ended with a c-section. I grieved for her when I heard all of this; I grieved her loss of a natural birthing experience, I grieved for the baby who came into the world groggy with so many drugs, and I grieved for both of them, because they will not have had the bonding experience of breastfeeding after such a traumatic birth experience (which is another tirade in and of itself and I won’t get into that today).

Can I really blame her for her losses? I would say so. I did my best to educate her by giving her books to read and by first and foremost setting an example by giving birth naturally. I am fairly positive she did not attend any birthing classes, despite my encouragement to attend Bradley. Both she and her husband are workaholics and she was still working full shifts until a week before the baby. It was her decision to remain ignorant by not researching her birth choices, and it was her decision to listen to her mother who claims to have had c-sections three times because her cervix “wouldn’t open.” Not to mention the countless cousins and aunts who came into the birthing room while she was laboring and made comments such as, “Oh, just cut the baby out and be done with it, already!”

Although I was not there as a support during her labor, I think I can safely assume that it was doomed from the beginning, starting with her mother. I have a feeling that she was a victim of three failed inductions, prodromal (stalled) labor, or if her cervix really did fail to dilate like she claims, then a medical mystery! I’m not claiming to know everything about childbirth, but having a rigid cervix is pretty rare. In any event, she most certainly would not have been a good support if my SIL had chosen to give birth naturally. As for an intervention-free birth, my advocating was inevitably a lost cause on her part and I chose to give that up in lieu of lactivism–also a personal defeat.

Aside from becoming a Bradley teacher or doula and making myself available for women who actually desire a natural birthing experience, I don’t know what else to do. Jamie and I are still on the fence about having one more baby, and if we do flip to the “go” side, we have a very specific birth plan in place which involves midwives, doulas, and most definitely a home birth this time. The only drawback to this is that I’m sure his family will not support the birth plan and we will probably have to keep it on the DL until after the baby comes to avoid a continuous argument about the safety of home births vs. hospital births. Then, we would be calling them to say, “Hey we just had the baby so feel free to walk across the pasture to say hello when you get a chance!” In that case, I’ll be advocating by example only and I’m afraid that’s all I will be able to do in this lifetime.

All of this has been weighing heavily on me since I heard of my SIL’s experience. As a family member, I want to be here for her if she needs me, but I’m afraid that she simply does not want my help or advice. She did not listen to me when I encouraged a natural birth, she disagreed with me on the issues of breastfeeding even though I brought her to LLL and sent her a vast amount of information regarding the risks of formula, etc. I’m not sure there’s much left to be done. We disagree on most aspects of parenting so far, and they happen to be the ones I feel most passionately about.

If she wasn’t family, it would be much less of an issue. Since she is family, I’m not sure how to be around her. I couldn’t even be in the room when she was “feeding” him a bottle and he was spitting and gagging. Part of me wanted to just grab her and scream, “Can’t you see he doesn’t like it? He’s born to nurse and you’re not giving him what he really needs!!!” The adult part of me made me simply get up and leave without a word.

And then I cried the whole way home.