Suzy Q Homemaker

First, let me say that I have had three very different birthing experiences, and thankfully, none of them ended with c-sections. Nonetheless, I have had one incredibly medicalized birth, complete with epidural and ruptured membranes; one long, exhausting Bradley birth; and one pitocin-induced birth that was still successfully intervention-free (as much as it could be). I don’t advocate inducing labor by any means and I probably didn’t need inducing in retrospect, but I did and I am extremely lucky to have been induced and still deliver without any complications.

I had an induction because I was ridden with PUPPPs, which is an extremely uncomfortable rash that had me scratching in my sleep until I bled. Nothing would help, and I tried everything from lotions and creams to steroids. I could have done more research on relieving the rash, but I was already past my due date and ready to be done with the itching. I knew the risks of induction and took several steps to ensure my needs would be met during the induced labor. Thankfully, my nurse was supportive of Bradley births and also helped advocate by putting a sign on my door to tell all the staff that they were not to mention pain meds if they were to come in my room. I may be one of only a few women who successfully gave birth without pain meds even after being induced with pitocin; I am a very lucky woman.

There are other women, though, who induce because they are tired of being pregnant or because it’s more “convenient” for the rest of their family if they give birth on a certain day of the week; their OB may be out of town for a weekend and want to induce before they leave, or if they fear the baby is getting “too big,” they’ll induce so it won’t get stuck.

The sad thing is that women see these excuses to induce as logical, when in my opinion they are selfish and dangerous. I don’t understand why in this society of supposedly well-educated peoples, women don’t take the time to learn about one of the most important events they will ever experience in their lifetime. Do women really not understand that it is NOT normal to cut a baby out of an abdomen? Do they understand that you do not need to learn how to give birth, that it’s a natural bodily process that will occur on its own schedule?

Take, for example, my sister-in-law. She gave “birth” last week to her first baby after a failed induction. I am not clear on all of the details, but from what I understand, she was given pitocin for 14 hours, then taken off the pitocin, given a cervical ripener, then put back on the pitocin, and they ruptured her membranes at 4 cm. Not surprisingly, the baby was not descending and her cervix wasn’t cooperating, so it all ended with a c-section. I grieved for her when I heard all of this; I grieved her loss of a natural birthing experience, I grieved for the baby who came into the world groggy with so many drugs, and I grieved for both of them, because they will not have had the bonding experience of breastfeeding after such a traumatic birth experience (which is another tirade in and of itself and I won’t get into that today).

Can I really blame her for her losses? I would say so. I did my best to educate her by giving her books to read and by first and foremost setting an example by giving birth naturally. I am fairly positive she did not attend any birthing classes, despite my encouragement to attend Bradley. Both she and her husband are workaholics and she was still working full shifts until a week before the baby. It was her decision to remain ignorant by not researching her birth choices, and it was her decision to listen to her mother who claims to have had c-sections three times because her cervix “wouldn’t open.” Not to mention the countless cousins and aunts who came into the birthing room while she was laboring and made comments such as, “Oh, just cut the baby out and be done with it, already!”

Although I was not there as a support during her labor, I think I can safely assume that it was doomed from the beginning, starting with her mother. I have a feeling that she was a victim of three failed inductions, prodromal (stalled) labor, or if her cervix really did fail to dilate like she claims, then a medical mystery! I’m not claiming to know everything about childbirth, but having a rigid cervix is pretty rare. In any event, she most certainly would not have been a good support if my SIL had chosen to give birth naturally. As for an intervention-free birth, my advocating was inevitably a lost cause on her part and I chose to give that up in lieu of lactivism–also a personal defeat.

Aside from becoming a Bradley teacher or doula and making myself available for women who actually desire a natural birthing experience, I don’t know what else to do. Jamie and I are still on the fence about having one more baby, and if we do flip to the “go” side, we have a very specific birth plan in place which involves midwives, doulas, and most definitely a home birth this time. The only drawback to this is that I’m sure his family will not support the birth plan and we will probably have to keep it on the DL until after the baby comes to avoid a continuous argument about the safety of home births vs. hospital births. Then, we would be calling them to say, “Hey we just had the baby so feel free to walk across the pasture to say hello when you get a chance!” In that case, I’ll be advocating by example only and I’m afraid that’s all I will be able to do in this lifetime.

All of this has been weighing heavily on me since I heard of my SIL’s experience. As a family member, I want to be here for her if she needs me, but I’m afraid that she simply does not want my help or advice. She did not listen to me when I encouraged a natural birth, she disagreed with me on the issues of breastfeeding even though I brought her to LLL and sent her a vast amount of information regarding the risks of formula, etc. I’m not sure there’s much left to be done. We disagree on most aspects of parenting so far, and they happen to be the ones I feel most passionately about.

If she wasn’t family, it would be much less of an issue. Since she is family, I’m not sure how to be around her. I couldn’t even be in the room when she was “feeding” him a bottle and he was spitting and gagging. Part of me wanted to just grab her and scream, “Can’t you see he doesn’t like it? He’s born to nurse and you’re not giving him what he really needs!!!” The adult part of me made me simply get up and leave without a word.

And then I cried the whole way home.

Tags: breastfeeding, childbirth, family, lactivism, natural childbirth, parenting

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