Under-medicated and Overwhelmed

Aug 7th

wherein I discuss the details of my mental health as related to this pregnancy

I had been taking Zoloft for six years.  At my lowest dose, I was taking 50 mg.  We went up to 100 mg at the beginning of 2010 and added Xanax for my social anxiety.  With this pregnancy, though, I have taken a major step and am attempting to wean off of all my medications.  So far, I’ve made it down to 1/2 mg of Xanax (I was on 3 mg a day) and am completely off the Zoloft.  I tapered the Zoloft as best I could.  I cut them in half for a while, then in quarters, then I got annoyed with how not-so-easily they split and just stopped.  This is day four of no Zoloft whatsoever.

Yesterday was a mess.  I was crying at the drop of a hat (or sock, or toy, or ugly word).  The boys were fighting all day making it pretty much one of the worst days of summer vacation.  Unfortunately, it was also the last day of summer vacation.  All I could think about was how glad I was going to be when the kids were finally out of the house for the day.  A horrible thought, I know, but I can hardly control my thoughts and actions right now.  It also didn’t help that Jamie was at work all day, leaving me to my tears and frustrations.  When he got home, I dropped them all off at the Y and went grocery shopping by myself.  I took a magical vacation through the store where I price-compared, listened in annoyance to the mother who yelled at her kid the entire time she was shopping, but was pleased to save almost 50% on my grocery bill with some careful couponing.

Of course, when we got home and discovered the chicken I bought the other day for dinner had already gone bad…I cried again.

And then I looked at photos of my friends going out to the clubs, happily enjoying their 20’s, and I cried again.

I have about eleven weeks left of this pregnancy.  Eleven weeks of finger-pricking.  Eleven weeks of counting my carbs and cursing myself for buying Oreos for the kids’ lunch.  And probably eleven weeks of constant itching.

So you probably don’t want to be around me for the next eleven weeks if you don’t want to see me cry.

You’ve been warned.

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